Saint Arbutus

In spite of still being alive, Arbutus was promoted to Saint Level 1 early in the mid-80s. Many people, including followers have tried (unsuccessfully) to kill Arbutus. These assassination attempts are often misguided and even capricious. However, in what is rumored to be his 300 year long life, Arbutus has never actually perished.

Early in his career, his followers attempted to View Him as a God. However, Arbutus refused this mantle. His curt, though revealing refrain was, "It's not worth The Hassle."

Recipients of Saint Level 1 designation receive higher credit ratings, access to more cable channels and limitless access to The Glass Elevator.

Arbutus still bears the mark of a Would-Be Assassin's bullet in the middle of his forehead.

Arbutus is registered at Target® and Linens 'n' Things™.

Tawny, the shy god

Tawny was one of the first gods to show up on the god scene. Because of her beard, she tends to be somewhat withdrawn in most god (and even mortal) gatherings. Having somewhat conservative leanings, she is often regarded lowly in many deified legislatures. Her standard response to nearly every problem is, "Kill 'em all, let me sort 'em out." While this is a somewhat bold statement, she almost always whispers it with her head down.

"Who cares about sorting them out," is the usual retort from other gods.

Achimichimigaya wears the Lincoln Mask

Never one to be outdone, Achimichimigaya wrestles the Lincoln Mask from Manny, trods over to the CD player, tosses out the Cocteau Twins CD and replaces it with some Malmsteen, then proceeds to do some rather erudite air guitar.

Achimichimigaya

Achimichimigaya is a god who enjoys listening to loud Hair Metal in an upstairs bedroom of a 3 story Colonial near a small lake. This is the reality he has created for himself. He tends to stay to himself, but once angered his wrath builds upon itself to World Killing proportions. Ironically, he is easily angered and has a great deal of trouble finding worlds to rule.

Once his wrath begins to grow exponentially, there is only one way to stop him. A mortal must stand before the lake he has made and scream at just the right pitch. Once this pitch is reached, the lake lifts up like a blanket and stuffs itself into a hole where the sun once was in the sky. The lake is his power. But the only way it can be destroyed is through the destruction of the illusion of light.

Once the lake is gone, the light is gone, then Achimichimigaya is gone.

Manny wears the Lincoln Mask

There's one thing you can count on when the gods party; It's never too long before someone drags the Lincoln mask out!

The God Yorg

Yorg was the god of adolescent males fascinated with Nazis and defacing women's magazines. He was most active between the years 1979 and 1985. At the peak of his power, his followers would hold court in trailer-style temples cutting eyes from photos of models in women's magazines and reading nonchalantly from Mein Kampf with no sense of irony.

Towards the end of his tenure, Yorg's followers attempted to reformulate his persona as a kind of deified politico. However, his powers were already waning at a rate that paralleled the growth of his followers' reasoning abilities and developing empathic responses to tragedy.

Yorg's message and rallying cry disappeared in the throaty birdsong of the New Morning.

Toru's Eyes

One pupil is diamond-shaped, the other is round. With the round pupil, Toru sees through souls. With the diamond pupil, Toru sees the many facades built up around a soul.

The God Toru

Toru hovers over fields, byways and coastal regions. Every now and again he mates with a mortal. His children are many. He protects all of his children with swift justice and sees to it that they are never harmed by followers wishing to sacrifice them on a whim.

Cuthbert; Idiot savant/prophet/prodigy

Before Cuthbert was born, his parents set about procuring the details of a secret ritual to conceive a magical child. After having read some details in the stolen grimoire of a rival witch, they performed a semi-Tantric union underneath the Narwhals in the Narwhal exhibit in the Field Museum (after hours). However, the rival witch had knowingly supplied them with a dummy grimoire. The ritual Cuthbert's parents had performed would produce an Idiot Savant With Enlarged Tusk as opposed to a Magical Child. However, Cuthbert's True Self was strong and struggled against the Front Most Self. He began writing seedy pulp novels at age 8, and went on to rework every single Holy Text known to humankind.

Manny, a mediocre god

So, like, Manny is this weird freaky god with like a totally cleft chin. He like sticks his tongue out a lot and it's like got these totally huge tastebuds and like he always talks about how good chicken nuggets taste and he like doesn't do too much other than talk about nuggets and sometimes bacon. He like doesn't do too totally much for his followers. He does like send them a card every year during the holidays. But he always like puts in this like totally snarky line like, "Dude, where's my present." Sometimes he totally freaks and sets kittens on fire.

M. Bon Reve; Saint

As a child, M. Bon Reve's family was attacked by highway bandits. His mother and father were killed. The bandits kidnapped young Bon Reve and retained him for uncouth purposes during much of his youth. At about the age of 15, the bandits decided to do away with him. Several henchmen held him against an elm tree while the bandit leader produced a large claw hammer. The leader used the claw end of the hammer to pound young Bon Reve's eyes back into his skull. At a certain point during this process, the top of Bon Reve's skull shot up into the sky to reveal a column of brilliant white light emanating from within his head. The light blinded the bandits. It is said that Saint M. Bon Reve appears to destroy monsters in the dreams of the faithful.

Starbuck's mouth

Starbuck had an abnormally located and enlarged esophageal sphincter in his mouth. Some say this rendered much of what he had to say difficult to follow.

Starbuck, the prophet

Starbuck was mostly active in the early part of the last century writing treatises against sea travel. His primary text, "I Did, At Last, Receive a Much Lower Layer" was highly influential in establishing many radical fundamentalist movements.

Rexworthy's Beard!

A common oath heard at any drunken Rexworthy worshiping event is "Rexworthy's Beard!" Indeed, his beard is probably his most startling attribute. Often mistaken for hair, it is (along with his mustache) a solid piece of razor-sharp chitin. In battle or while dispatching unwanted worshipers, he often inflicts mortal wounds with his jagged beard.

The Great God Rexworthy

Rexworthy is both a deity and a swashbuckler. His worshipers receive complimentary swordplay training sessions along with organic food-buying tips. Rexworthy is not a god to be trifled with and often turns on his worshipers for no apparent reason. He is known for being fond of both the raw and slow food movements as well as staging elaborately choreographed Displays of Wrath!

Saint Humbert's Eyes

When he sobs, Saint Humbert's tears well up in his closed eyes, until the flaps burst open from pressure.

His syrupy sweet tears are considered to be liquid miracles to his followers.

His followers often gather about him, goading him to remember his childhood until the sobbing begins. Then, holding cups greedily towards his face, they await the First Gushing of Nostalgic Tears.

Saint Humbert

Saint Humbert is often mistaken as a demon because of his horns and large pores. He is, for the most part, benign. Instead of lids, his eyes have flaps that lower to allow mostly things above the average line of sight to be seen. Because of this, Saint Humbert often carries himself with an air of aristocracy.

He is well known for sobbing for days on end over his lost youth.